Using Our Feeling Bodies to Guide Our Mothering

So, how do we allow children to have their feelings BUT express them appropriately? This is something we are working on everyday. Recently, there seems to be a lot of screaming and whining in our family culture. We try to guide our children to express their feelings authentically but sometimes their feelings can feel like constant disagreements, or shouts of dissatisfaction, and if one of them is really wound up, personal attacks on others can start to emerge!!! I found myself awake one morning feeling like my capacity to hold space for the big feelings coming my way was not where it needed to be to be able to constructive. I felt on the verge of tears all morning and could feel my fuse was short. My husband suggested that I go for a drive to recenter myself because he could see my frailness emerging!  I’m lucky to have his support. 

I’m always torn about leaving my family. They are the ones that I want to be with, not run away from, but I knew that I would come back home better. What came to light for me was that my exhaustion was coming from not holding the necessary boundaries on HOW the children express themselves. It’s such a tricky concept in the moment, but we really do have the ability to help guide them back to themselves when they are feeling wound up, or troubled, or experiencing any negative affects in their bodies. I remembered that I can listen to them while I am setting healthy boundaries for everyone. 

For example the boys had a disagreement about who was going to sit where in our hot tub. Turns out they both wanted to sit in the same spot.  They weren’t finding solutions at any point, instead they were just creating more and more reasons for why they were right and the other was wrong. They just needed my help to guide them in how to handle this situation. I was prepared to listen to of their both sides and reasons, while requesting the other to be quiet while their brother shared their experience. When they weren’t able to meet this request, because they were just talking over one another and rapidly disagreeing I asked them to please get out of the hot tub, dry off, and told them we would be able to find a solution later. The boundary here being, if we can’t respectfully listen because we are feeling too upset, then we need to move on, cool off, recenter and then we can provide help to find a solution. 

Once everyone was more calm, we were able to identify that there had been a misunderstanding. Both boys had intended to sit in the same spot, neither of them had spoken to their intent, and both thought they had been the one to think of it first! Well, now we know how much they both like that lounger seat! To help with this we just take turns! 5 minutes for one brother, 5 for the other and then there are 5 minutes left for anyone else who would love to enjoy those bubbles that only the lounger seat can provide! 

The best thing to remember, mamas, is that we do have the ability to keep our homes safe, to guide our humans to appropriateness while still allowing them to be authentic in their expressions of their feelings. It is better to STOP when chaos ensues, hold boundaries so we don’t flail away from ourselves too far, and guide ourselves and our children back to connection. 

I would love to hear from you about how boundaries work for you in your families. 

Be soft with yourselves mamas, you deserve it. 

xxoo,

Marlana